June, 2002

Rule #1

Rule #1 - Everyone gets a shitkicking - Matthew Good

Itís true really.

I was watching Saved By The Bell last week when someone pointed out that Jessie, the ultra right wing feminist grew up to be the "star" in Showgirls.

This upset me to no end. I always liked Jessie. And really, as a kid, Elizabeth Berkley was a total hottie. Far hotter than anyone else on the show. To find out that she had gone from good clean wholesome NBC entertainment to the lead role in what is arguably on of the absolute worst films of all time is a tragedy of the highest order. Mind you, finding out that Screech beat Horschach in celebrity boxing was also an upset to my world.

But I digress.

The fact of the matter is that we go through life with expectations. There are things that we believe that we can count on. Do good things and good things will come to you. Let me clarify, although Iím sure itís been done many a time, that is utter crap.

The sad fact of the matter is that there are people who spend their entire lives waiting for someone "good" to come along, knowing that they can take advantage of an innate belief that all people are inherently good. They wait for you. They hide in corners that you canít see and then at the first opportunity, they crack open the KY (if they even have the courtesy to use the proper lube, if at all) and they bend you over.

Itís sad really, but unfortunately, itís the truth. You have to be careful about for whom you decide to do good deeds, because at a moments notice, many of our herd will run ahead to make sure that youíre the first that the lion catches. I know that that sounds harsh, but after my time on this planet, Iíve realized that you have to take care of your own, because if you donít, thereís no guarantees that anyone else will. Then youíre left with doing what you can to get by, and that, dear reader, is where things have the potential to suck at their most.

When youíre doing what you can to just get by, for no reason othee than some asshole has decided that youíre going to be their personal excuse for their lack of maturity/responsibility/whatever, you end up spending most of your time trying to fix problems that other people have made for you. And the sad thing is that whether or not you deserve these problems, youíre still left to clean up the mess, and nine times out of ten, by doing the right thing, you end up looking like the bad guy.

The worst part is, that sometimes you have no options left but to do that which you hate the most. Itís sad, but true. While I myself am something of an utopian, I have been forced to accept that to have a utopia, you have to make it selective. Only those who understand that utopia is a total lack of bullshit can be allowed in. The rest? Well they can fend for themselves.

Which (I think...) brings me to my original issue...

Jessie doing soft core porn.

While I canít pretend to be such an avid follower of Saved By The Bell to be able to recite the history of the entire cast, I can say that I was somewhat saddened to hear of Jessie's fall from voice of reason, to cheap Vegas slut girl.

Granted, when I was younger, I would have sold my soul to the Glad man for a chance at seeing Jessie naked. But to find out that I had in fact seen her naked, well, it was like going to the strippers. Yeah sheís naked, but itís sooooo cheap. It takes away from the ideal that we all chase after. It's not what you know in life that interests you, but what you don't.

I would also like to take a moment to say I was also terribly saddened by her exclusion from "The College Years"...

Regardless, the rule seems to be that whatever you set out to do in life, if you let slip the standards you have set for yourself, you pay for it in box office catastrophe. Therefore Iíve come to the conclusion that regardless of who you piss of, you have to stick to what you believe. If you donít you only end up disappointing the legions of fans who really want nothing more than to see you naked, but in a tasteful way.

Rest assured, any nude photos from here on in will be nothing but tasteful.

The point that Iím trying to make (awkwardly, amazing the effects of alcohol), is that when you start to sacrifice the principles in which you believe, you only screw yourself. Forget everyone else.

Not to say that Iím not rushing out to buy a special edition copy of showgirls...