June 2010

Waiting For The Collapse...

Iíve gone from Macro to Micro.

There was a time when I dove into politics and scandal and current affairs and conspiracy theories and and andÖ

Iíve really tapered off on that.

Nothing in that sphere really surprises me anymore though.

Governments are wildly corrupt?

Corporations have a ridiculous amount of control over international policy?

The media is shamefully biased and no longer a source of objective news?

Personal freedoms are willingly sacrificed and trampled on by powers that be in order to expedite their own agendas?

Democracy doesnít really exist?

The quantity of music available has increased exponentially while the quality of the music and the writing has decreased exponentially?

Tell me something I donít know.

I donít write as much anymore either.

Thereís a bunch of reasons for that. The first is simply that there has been a remarkable scarcity of time available to sit down in front of a keyboard and wait to see what falls out. Truth is that up until this week almost all of my spare time has been spent making sure that I know how to differentiate the various types of pneumothoraxs that a person can get and what to do about them or how to differentiate cardiac disrythmias.

Poppaís got a brand new bag kids.

I mean, in addition to the ones that I carry around anyways.

Which is to say nothing of the newest role coming down the line.

So yeah, I donít really care to know about the latest incarnation of evil that the world has to offer. I know itís out there, I know itís not going away, and the bottom line is that I will still, as I always have, live my life the way I choose and always on my terms. Iíll live in the world the way that I should regardless of what it is actually like.

But when I can, I will try to write a little bit more.

And on that noteÖ

The Weight Of All My Sins...

Itís a funny thing.

Clarity comes with a cost, to be sure. Itís a terrible one at that. One of the things that I have come to realize is the happier that I have become with life, the more fulfilled and satisfied I find myself, the more I realize what a truly terrible person I was for a while there.

Iíve gone about this at length in the past, I probably will again (many times no doubt) in the future, but itís a reality that I find myself being confronted with more and more these days. The better things get the more you tend to realize just how bad things actually were.

Iím not sure what to do with it all actually.

On one hand, itís not at all a comfortable thing to live with. The simple fact that thereís a space of almost a year where I was so completely out of control that I donít (and most disturbingly, likely never will) really know how bad things got.

I do know that it got bad.

I do know that there are truths about me that are better left well under control, because history has taught me that when they are allowed to run unchecked, very bad things happen and people tend to get hurt.

Which is, to be sure, something that I take absolutely no pride in whatsoever.

On the other hand, there is the reality that my long-standing horror with what I was has driven me to make some exceedingly positive changes in my life. I have no doubts that Iím a better, more well adjusted person than I have ever been and I can say quite frankly that every day I am more and more happy and excited about where my life is going.

Which is, to be sure, something that I do take a great deal of pride in.

Howís that for a paradox for you? Itís my sins that have brought me to a place where I am capable of doing some real good.

Irony, as always, seems to have the greatest sense of humour and comedy.

All that being said, I have no illusions that in the past I have been more than a little responsible for tilting the scales of the greater good the wrong way, and I know that I have a long way to go before I can comfortably say that I have done enough to at least set them back to where they were before my great upset, but Iím up for that.

The universe demands equilibrium, after all.

All that being said, I think thatís it for this month.

You know where to find me.

Nate@natepike.com