September 2004 - Are You Sure You Should Be Here?

 

2:19 AM - (My Cycle Of Abuse)

Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes I wish I wasnít me. Sometimes I wish I had a pony.

But Iíve never been one of them. Iíve never been one to keep my mouth shut. And letís be honest, where would I keep a pony?

So...

Letís clear the air a bit then shall we?

Real-time.

Like 24.

All the rage these days Iím told.

2:33 AM - (This Web Of You...)

It occurs to me that I should probably get a hold of Petey. Havenít talked to him in a while. One of us really should fix that.

I have been reading the works of someone who I am not sure if I should be reading lately. Stupidity happened as it usually does, but unfortunately, I am a big fan of the writing style, so I sneak in when I am quite sure that no one is looking and I simply enjoy the art of it all.

An endangered species these days, art.

I am not a good person.

Neither are you, but thatís semantics really.

There are a great many religions that feel that at the end of the world, or the end of everything, or at the very least, when these sacks of meat that pretend to hold us up finally give out, that there will be someone to judge us for all of our goods and our evils.

I really do hope thatís true, because I sure would like to know how Iíve really done.

I mean, Iím quite sure that from the outward, it looks as if I spend the better part of my spare time contemplating the best way to kill babies. Now, while I know that isnít the case (most days), at some point I would like to know how I did on a cosmic scale.

This, I have decided, will be a most disjointed little jaunt.

More fun that way I think. Havenít tried this in a while. Letís just let it hang out in that stream of consciousness way and see what comes out.

 

2:43 AM - (Youíve Never Looked So Obscene...)

Look in the mirror.

One sock on and one sock off. Can you even see the way that you donít look? Iíve been learning to. Iíve been getting better at seeing the missing spaces that we normally ignore because weíre not really there.

If youíre honest enough you can make the whole world hate you. If you lie enough you can do the same. The best people out there are the ones that have managed to find the magical equilibrium of the two.

If you listen to them long enough, eventually their bullshit lies will become you, because after all, they are so very pretty. You want to be pretty to, donít you?

You want them to see you, donít you?

Or maybe just one of them. Maybe that would be enough. Hard to say really. We are all so casual about our casualties at the end of the day. Itís easier to erase them if they never really mattered. Better to wipe away those moments that felt so real and create a Romanoff reality so that we can simply cut away the things that hurt even if they are the things that matter the most.

2:53 AM - (Itís Not Quite The Prison You Make It Out To Be...)

Thereís an ocean out there. Several actually. I swam in a couple weeks back. It was an intense amount of fun. Also intensely cold. I could have done without the cold.

A while back, I decided that despite the fact that I am stuck on the prairies, I would swim in the ocean at least once a year.

So I did.

There is something intensely humbling about swimming in something that barely notices your presence. If someone is willing to listen, the ocean might just be willing to tell you some of its secrets.

Itís a funny thing really, swimming in this body that could swallow you up so easily.

I stayed in the water longer than I should have I think.

I remember when I was a kid, or at least a younger version of myself, I was told that a person could catch hypothermia in less than two minutes in the ocean at that time of year.

I may have stayed in a little to long.

But thereís something about that really. Thereís something in that moment where you start to think, even though the shore is only thirty feet away, that maybe youíve gone and gotten yourself in over your head. Thereís that moment when you look down and even though the water is completely clear, you canít see the bottom and you know that no matter how hard your feet look to find grip, there is none to be found.

Because underneath you, itís all just a black.

Thereís something about feeling that chill creep into your lungs, not through the air, but through the you. Thereís something about knowing that your respiration is increasing dramatically in trying to compensate for that chill.

And thatís when you get a little scared. And maybe, for the first time in your controlled safe swim, you slip only an inch or two between the surface.

They say donít panic.

I never actually though that was a choice. I get it now though.

Clearly, I didnít get swallowed that day. And honestly, with my Aunt and my girlfriend there, I have no doubts that I was never in any real danger. But thatís hindsight. Granted I pulled myself on to the rocks on my own power, but thatís not the point.

The point, gentle reader, is that I could have. That ocean could have taken me if it had wanted.

Thereís a lot to be said for realizing how small you really are.

3:12 AM - (Dirty Girls Are Easy To Decieve...)

For the record, you had no right.

No right at all.

I tried, I really did, and you had to turn it into this sick twisted motivation that you use to put yourself to sleep with most nights. I canít help you anymore, as much as I might like to. Youíve gone too far for that Iím afraid. It is so completely out of my hands at this point. I could spend even more of my nights tearing at myself for the more that I might have been able to do, but the fact of the matter is that there really isnít anything more that I could have done.

Sometimes walking away isnít admitting defeat.

Sometimes itís simply survival.

I just hope you donít expect me to feel badly, because in that I will disappoint you as well.

I did what I had to. So did you. Weíll both pay our prices when the time comes. Of that, I have no doubt.

I only wish that you could find it in you to stop.

But of course, you wonít.

Devastation is like that.

3:31 AM (The Boy Has Fallen To The Feet Of Luck)

Bedtime.

Wally will be back next month.

Catch ya on the flip side...